Sunday, December 31, 2006

new year celebrations canceled in BKK

Well... 7 bombs went off in BKK today at around 7pm BKK time and the government has canceled all new year celebrations in the city of Bangkok. So much for the fun my friends were expecting to have in BKK... Happy New Year!! Last post for 2006!

Nate

Getting Past The Arguments: Resolving Conflict In Relationships

One of the hardest things to handle in a relationship is conflict. While a good and fair fight can clear the air and help you to feel closer to your lover, many fights are just hurtful and destructive. Fights that never go anywhere, that are repeated year after year, or that leave you feeling awful about yourself are not going to help your relationship. Those are the kinds of fights we need to take another look at, and find out what is going on underneath. This is true for any conflict that doesn't feel right, not just those you have with your lover.

With most fights, there are layers of what we mean, feel, intend, hope for, and believe, and what we actually say. We may only say a little of how we feel, or we may even say the opposite of how we're feeling on a much deeper level than the surface. Problems arise when we don't come from the deeper levels.

Some people think that the top layer of what they feel and think is all that there is, yet they feel something's missing in their relationship. Others know how they feel but instead of stating their feelings as their own, they blame how they feel on their lover, leading to hurt feelings and arguing that goes nowhere. This is often the time that people call it quits on a relationship.
Many break-ups occur because we do not know how to get to our inner depth, or getting to it, how to share it. What we want to say isn't what comes out of our mouths. We argue about something meaningless in order to get space from our lover, rather than feel the anxiety or fear we may have about setting boundaries or looking at what we need. We argue to feel more alive, instead of looking at what is missing in our life. We argue about what our lover spent money on, rather than face our own issues about money. We argue as a way to control our lover, rather than face our fear of being controlled. Regardless of the content of the argument, until we are prepared to express and respect our lover's deeper feelings, beliefs, and meanings (and s/he respects ours), very little change can take place.

We can work around our lover's sensitive points, expect them to do the same for us, and make compromises, but how far does that really take us? While problem-solving can help, particularly in the immediate future, often it isn't enough for the long run. As long as the deeper issues remain unaddressed, our relationship will be flattened, soured, or lost to meaningless fights.

So how do you get underneath the arguments? By being vulnerable and risking being as open and as honest about yourself as you can with your lover. Take anything you argue about and ask yourself what is upsetting you. Usually people will respond with answers that are about their lovers - s/he spends too much money, s/he is defensive, s/he doesn't listen to me. Now try asking yourself the following questions:
  • what about that bothers you?

  • how do you feel about it?

  • how do you react to it, and what does it mean to you?

  • what if anything are you afraid of?

  • what do you believe it means about you or your relationship?

  • does it remind you of anyone?


  • Try not to get bogged down in intellectual answers. Even if you know the answers, see if you can connect to your feelings about it and notice whether any other thoughts, feelings, associations, or memories come to you spontaneously. Sometimes the best stuff just suddenly occurs to us.

    Next, find an opportunity when you and your lover aren't rushed or distracted, and share how you are feeling about the issue. When mentioning something about her/his behavior that affects you, phrase it within your own experience ("When I think that you are not listening to me I feel...I then worry that...it reminds me of...which feels...to me). Even when you want to mention something that your lover does, focus on you and your deeper responses. You may want to ask for something specific ("Could we set aside times to listen to each other?") which your lover can consider, but initially it is usually best to have you and your lover listen to and understand each others' deeper responses.

    You might be tempted to leap to a solution, but this is only the beginning. If you settle on a solution too quickly, you could miss something that still needs to be unearthed.

    The listener's job is to listen attentively and to verbalize understanding for the other's feelings, regardless of whether or not the listener agrees with her/his lover's perception of the events. For example, maybe you think that you're the one who's always listening to your lover, and it is s/he who doesn't listen to you. It's okay that you do not agree with her/his version of reality, but for now, offer only your understanding of how s/he feels and what it means to her/him. It is important that you suspend your difference of opinion and only offer understanding.

    When you're finished with that, switch roles. Feel free, as the one who just listened, to say something like "When I hear you say that, I feel...because I believe that I do listen.... This reminds me of...and I feel...and I don't know what else to do. I feel that you don't listen to me. When this happens I feel...." It's important to not argue about who does or doesn't listen, or what you each do, but rather, the original speaker should now listen and offer understanding for how it must feel. Keep going back and forth and see what happens. You may not notice anything for a while, but you might. If you don't, try not to worry or rush the process; something usually shifts over time, especially if you keep going deeper. You never know what you might discover - it may be a completely different issue than you originally thought. Only by staying with your deeper feelings and reactions will you discover what is underneath the arguments.

    By each of you truly understanding the others' perspective without judgment, you'll be able to move through this barrier in your relationship. Stick with the formula, even if it feels unnatural, and you may find that the two of you are laughing about what started the whole disagreement.

    Cheers!
    www.enotalone.com

    Saturday, December 30, 2006

    Doca feels short... that flower was about 1.9m tall!!

    Singaporean + Japanese

    the bunch of us at the sunflower fields!

    doca poses with a buffalo but... it turns away to her despair!

    frosty doca... a few days before Christmas!

    Doca 'dancing' on the plot of land where the volleyball court now is. See the bits of bamboo we tied together with wire?

    Doca and I at the Lao-Thai border crossing. We went over to Laos without a passport... oOooOoOh!

    Ca on the train... old, rusty, smelly... but nice train :)

    Doca on the tracks... just before a train came puffing along!

    gimme a hug?? :)

    YAY! Taken in the city of Ubon

    flying!

    Doca EMERGING from the train's window... hehehe

    The Train!

    countryside :)

    Picturesque countryside!

    The train...

    trying to crawl out of the train's window!! :P

    thats me looking out of the train from Ubon to Muak Lek... freaking long 10 hours on the train!!!

    Friday, December 29, 2006

    Clearing my DVD collection... anyone?

    I've got the following DVD's to clear. Region free DVD's A Grade quality. Each going for SGD$8.00 + Shipping. Get more, save on shipping.
    Email me to buy em if you want them. Here's the list:

    Cartoons
    1. Treasure Planet
    2. Over the Hedge
    3. Atlantis: The lost empire
    4. Atlantis: Milo's return
    5. Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the were rabbit
    6. Bionicle
    7. Bionicle 2
    8. Sharktale
    9. Cars

    Action/Horror/Thriller/Sci-Fi
    1. Left-Behind
    2. Doom
    3. Alexander
    4. Into the blue
    5. The fast and the furious: Tokyo drift
    6. Davinci Code
    7. The interpreter
    8. Dirty
    9. Papparazi
    10. The Village
    11. Assault on precinct 13
    12. Constantine
    13. National Treasure
    14. Serinity
    15. The Net 2.0
    16. 16 Blocks
    17. HERO (Chinese)
    18. Kingdom of Heaven
    19. The Messenger
    20. 7 Seconds
    21. Two for the money
    22. King Kong
    23. Hart's war
    24. The thin red line
    25. The longest Day
    26. Jarhead
    27. S.W.A.T.
    28. Starship Troopers
    29. Platoon
    30. Tigerland
    31. Windtalkers
    32. The Punisher
    33. Batman Begins
    34. Exorcist II: The Heretic

    I will add more soon :) cheers!

    Wednesday, December 27, 2006

    me playing with 2 doggies!

    :)

    A picture from my trip to Ubon.. doing volunteer work out in the freezing cold of the northeast of thailand!! WOOO!!!

    Wednesday, December 20, 2006

    Gone to the jungles for a week

    Im going out to the jungles of thailand for a week... so... see you guys... soon :)

    Tuesday, December 19, 2006

    the shoes, the makeup, the dress, the gloves, the little intricacies, the smiles... a collage of a wedding i just took (today!)... enjoy!~

    fun in the car, getting out, in the wind, flowers falling, the bouquet and getting together

    The pastor, the bride, the groom, the unity candle, exchange of rings... ahh... love!

    The 4th installment and of course... yours truly :)

    F.R.I.E.N.D.S

    Dr. Kai and a young padawan :) Mr. J! hehehe Jonathan's kid - 12 years old!

    all our frenz watch Vivian take the plunge :D

    Vivian got baptized last sabbath at 6am! WOOHOO :D welcome to da family Viv!!!! Jesus Rocks!!!

    Monday, December 18, 2006

    sadness

    Manchester United just lost to West Ham United... 1 - 0 in a goalmouth scramble. Sadness... the night I stay up to cheer my team, they lose. Ugh..

    Friday, December 15, 2006

    temperature's been dipping

    It finally is starting to feel like Christmas! hehehe... the temperature's been dipping significantly :) yays! had a very cold night and cold morning. It's starting to heat up a little, but it's still cool! wheeeee :D

    12:50am Thailand time

    I just got out of the shower and well... ready to blog the day's events.

    I woke up very early this morning - 5am to greet the day with my Gen Psych and Hebrew books. Today was the first day of the examinations and I had 2 MEGA SIZED papers... in ONE day. Great. The Gen Psych paper was't as difficult as I'd expected but still, not as easy as I'd hoped for. Had some problems with it and I smell my very nice GPA going down... Hebrew in the afternoon was worse... :(

    Hebrew. Vocabulary, Parsing, Transliteration, Translation and some standard general questions about the language. First up... out of 50 Hebrew words, I could only identify about 20++. Transliteration was a breeze and so were the general questions like writing down the BeGaDKheFaT letters (yeah you read that right) and the gutteral letters, parsing sentances (ie. 1cp for 1st Person, Common, Plural) and identifying if it was one of 7 types... Qal, Pi'el, Pu'al, Hif'el, Hof'al, Ni'fal, Hit-pa'el. The next section KILLED ME... literally. Translation - 5 lines of Hebrew text... I could only translate the first line!!!!!! :S ahhhhhhhh... great. That was the WORST exam ever :( *sob* Still have more papers next week. At least I can rest.

    My brain feels like it's lost some weight... so light now. Oh well... sleep beckons. Gd nite!

    Thursday, December 14, 2006

    The olympus WIDE ANGLE lens ad from Singapore

    THIS IS JUST TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAMN FUNNY!!!

    Tuesday, December 12, 2006

    exams coming

    examinations are coming... ahhhhhhhhh :S

    Thursday, December 07, 2006

    okay, so for today, im a flirt :)

    Its funny how people whom you think know you so well jump to conclusions that you've changed so drastically. Case in point - a close friend from home kinda scolded me for being a 'flirt' - asking me what i 'was doing with the girls' in my school, all because of a few pictures with a few different girls on my friendster page. I don't blame that friend for being so direct - i mean, my friend had my best interests at heart, but it does bring to mind something that wasn't so a few years before.

    Has culture changed so much here in the East that it is now almost like the West? In the states, you can't do pretty much anything without being suspected of doing something that isn't right - with the opposite sex. Even father's can't hold their daughters when they go out without being rediculed.

    So if a picture says a thousand words.... oh well... can't i at least take pictures with friends!? Oh man.. *dying* Okay, so "i'm a flirt" - well, just based on a picture? :S *puzzled*

    Wednesday, December 06, 2006

    i believe in miracles!

    I believe in miracles! Yeah... Just happened to me - a small one but nonetheless, a miracle! I went back to my room just about 1 hour ago but couldn't find my key. I searched my bag and took everything out - couldn't find it. Managed to get my suite-mate's key so I could enter through the bathroom 15mins later. After that, the search for my key began. Its an important bunch of keys I prayed and started to look...the fob is an electronic devide for my internet-banking account and i needed it. I searched for about 30 mins but I couldn't find it. I even turned by bag inside out and searched all the little compartments a few times! After being so frustrated, my prayer became more of a complaint... "God! I know you can see my keys... could you please stop playing with me and bring them out??" - sounds a little rude and I do admit that it wasn't the most polite way of talking to him, but i was then driven to open my bag's side compartments (i had emptied them earlier only to find my thumbdrive and a few coins on each side (there are 2 pockets which are really small) and had found nothing) and the first one on the left revealed nothing but my thumbdrive and the coins that i had put back. I expected the same on the other, but feeling prompted to open it, i did anyway... when I did... the KEYS WERE THERE! STARING AT ME IN THE FACE! A real miracle... it just appeared out of nowhere! wowza... thank you God! :)

    Tuesday, December 05, 2006

    Christmas prezzies for the family!

    three kings...

    thats one HUGE teddy!

    Doca testing out her new cam :)

    Monday, December 04, 2006

    to step back and join the crowd instead

    Ever dreamt of being the guy or girl who owns the latest Nokia handphone or Macbook? The one who owns the coolest bike, car, house or the biggest bank account? At some point of our lives, we want to be one step ahead - to own something that someone else doesn't have - to be the talk of the town where everyone's talking about how you have something that everyone else envies. Staying ahead is a big deal in a world where everyone wants to be the best in everything - best in school, best in behavior, best parent, best everything - you get the picture.

    Why am I making it such a big deal about wanting to be a step ahead of everyone else? It's because I think that it could be detrimental to your health! Detrimental to my health??? Wait up, something doesn't sound right here - just because "I" want to be a step ahead of others could be damaging to my health? Yes... my (Nathaniel) answer to that is yes, yes and yes again.

    Here's why:
    1. The guy who's 'the best' or owns the 'best and newest' always worries about losing out. A new gadget appears every few weeks/months and you can never ever keep up! What's worse is that they worry about losing or damaging their prized possessions so much that not many of them get a good night's rest!

    2. The guy who's 'the best' or owns the 'best and newest' who's ahead of everyone else seldom has true friends. All his peers are fellow 'competitors' to him and "none are really trustworthy enough" to be his true friend. What a lonely life! Geez!

    3. The guy who's 'the best' or owns the 'best and newest' rarely has a carefree life...

    Is that how you want to live your life? All stressed out? In cycling races, it isn't too often that the one who takes the lead in the beginning is the one who wins the race - all too often, he hasn't got the nerves of steel required to keep his anxiety in check and pace up. The winner usually would come from pack that trails the leader. This pack moves swiftly together - everyone can see each other and it isn't so stressful.

    I think that life is to be lived to its fullest in joy, not in stress... what do you think? I say, make your choice today - take a step back, join the pack and enjoy your life :)