Here, There and Everywhere...

spoke to a close friend of mine just and somehow i feel like my world is collapsing around me just because of a decision i made a few weeks back. i really dont feel like going back home anymore... its home but right now, the thought of home haunts me. its tormenting and nerve-wrecking. im glad i've got an avenue to voice all this out here where i guess the whole world can read.

this song thats playing on my computer is just making me crumble to a mess of tears but i like it... sounds sadistic? i don't know... i feel so much better letting the tears run. coincidentally, its the same song that i'll be singing in a few weeks, accapella with a group of friends...

Here, There, Everywhere
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To lead a better life
I need my love to be here

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's somethere there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want here everywhere
and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
but to love her is to share; each one believing that love never dies

Watching her eyes
and hoping I'm always there
I want here everywhere
and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
but to love her is to share; knowing that love is to share
each one believing that love never dies
watching her eyes
and hoping I'm always there
To be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere
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'here' right now is comforting because i'm away from what is haunting me right now; a feeling of loneliness that somehow feels as if it is inevitable when i step on home soil.

'there' haunts me too... i dont know what people are saying about me. i know i shouldn't worry but i am. people ask me, msn, email, sms... do you regret? Why can't 'there' be more forgiving? maybe i've caused too much hurt to have anything forgiven and forgotten. i don't wish to be 'there'... ever... maybe not ever, but at least not for now.

'everywhere' is where i want to be... but i can only be at one place at a time... making each day of the year count as i study to get my first degree... to get myself a job and secure a future for myself and my special someone - if i ever have a special someone in my life. i'm taking a class in psychology and counseling and looking at myself, i'm one miserable wreck. i'm in no shape to love because i haven't found true love in the one who loves me the most... God. this is a bold statement but i feel that i've lost touch and me trying to get back is like clawing my way out of quicksand which is pulling me deeper into itself. being in a christian school theoretically is supposed to get you more christian... its not exactly working for me at the moment. perhaps its just a downside and there's a big possibility that i'm looking at life from a MICRO perspective and not believing in God's MACRO view where he sees everything. It's always so much easier to say things to make people happy than to be the person who's the emotional wreck trying to find his way out of the wreckage. Just a thought for anyone who's reading this... "have you really thought about where you are spiritually right now?"